Now That You’re Gone

Now That You’re Gone « Thought Catalog

After you died I opened every window of the Advent calendar you insisted we savor day by day, just like your Nana taught you, and ate every single chocolate under each flap in one go. It was the best way I could think to tell you to screw yourself for leaving me here alone.

For leaving me alone with my mother and your mother and their crying and her creepy photos from when you still had red hair and these f-cking casseroles from all the neighbors who yelled at us for playing our music too loud and my boss who it’s still not that funny that he keeps hitting on me but we used to laugh it off because we needed the money and the friends who are equally as afraid to be around me as they are to leave me alone and everything else that is crappy and isn’t you.

With you gone, I never remember to record Jon Stewart so we can watch them all one Saturday. I forget to rinse the dishes before loading them into the dishwasher, so they always come out crusty and still dirty just like you said they would.

Now that you’re gone, people keep asking me what I’m going to do with your clothes and all your things — if I need help boxing them up. I keep telling them that I was thinking of putting them in display cases and turning the living room into a museum in your honor, but they always look creeped out and I feel sick because that was the kind of thing that would have made you laugh.

I should probably mention that I’m so sorry, but I broke your ugly debate trophy from high school that you were so proud of, I smashed it against the floor, so it probably wouldn’t look very good on display even if I was serious about that idea. I was just so mad — I was wearing the sweater I wore the night you told me that you were sure you had spent your entire life looking for me and I knew I was safe forever — I was so mad because I know now that wasn’t true.

I was so mad because now you’re gone and not here and all I have are your shirts which are losing the smell of you and your damn dog who still sleeps on our bed, and the ring I found in your drawer that you never got to give me.

All I can do it lay here and hold this damn ring and imagine all the things I want to say to you but can’t, and how they all boil down to: F-ck you, I miss you, and I love you — oh, how I love you.

Made holiday cookies

So yesterday one of my coworkers hosted a baking party at her house and we made a crazy amount of cookies. All different types as well. I'm not sure if it's the actual holiday season or the fact that I spent some time with this girl, but I've got no hard feeling anymore.

We had a few indirect fights in the past and the more I think about it, the more I feel like it's been a waste of time and energy really. I didn't like her because another girl I was kind of friends with had some bad times with her, and then because a good friend had quite a few horrible times because of her. Not really because of her, but more because of people who didn't know how to mind their own business and decided they wanted to give my friend a hard time. It's all so dumb to me. So childish really. Everything was so unnecessary as well.

All because of a guy really. I don't know why I decided to join in all this either. It's not like my friend asked me to be a complete bitch to this girl whenever I could. In all honesty I think it's the whole "My friend hates you, I should hate you too" thing, but it's such a waste. I'm not going to live my life thinking "I should do this because it would really piss this person off" or "I'm going to do this because then this person might like me more" If I do something it'll be because I want to, regardless of the people around.

It was crazy to see a little bit of how she lives her life too. I think she's got it pretty good and I'm actually a little envious of it. It's a simple "country style" life. Not a complete farm, but just a small comfy home in the middle of an orchard farm with no one really close by,  with chickens for their own eggs and a compost bucket. All of this may seem so silly, but a little while back I became so interested in this. It's the type of home I'd like to have in my future. 

All in all it was a day well spent.

My Rant For The Day

Religion and Politics. Why do people continue trying to use one to gain power with the other? Stop it.

I have my opinions about all types of different issues all over the place, but I’m not going to shove them down your throat or want to bash you in the head because you don’t share mine. Keep it to yourself because I’m not asking for it and you just look like a moron trying to preach about THE WAY THINGS SHOULD BE to people who honestly don’t give a fuck you blithering baboon.

When are people just going to realize that it doesn’t matter who the person in charge is, there’s always going to be an issue with the way they handle things. President says “No” to war? You think it’s a horrible choice. President says “Yes” to war? You think it’s a horrible choice. Not everyone is going to be happy but if you’re not doing anything to change the fact that you’re not happy, don’t fucking complain.

Honestly why can’t I just find someone to talk to about Religion and Politics without it turning into a huge immature “Lalala I’m not listening, I’m ignoring you” scene? If you’re going to sit there and ask me for MY opinions, don’t get mad because they don’t match yours. And when I’m trying to talk to you about how people have been making sense in the way they have responded to arguments in the past don’t roll your eyes and try to stop the conversation just because you don’t like the way it’s going.

All you’re doing in being an immature person, who doesn’t even make an attempt to hear other people’s points of view about ANYTHING. You’re too wrapped up in “MY GOD, MY RELIGION IS THE ONLY WAY” and “MY POLITICAL PARTY IS THE ONLY SMART ONE” How narrow minded can you get?

Then you can go on to post all over anything you can, “It’s MERRY CHRISTMAS! NOT HAPPY HOLIDAYS!” It is Holidays because Christmas is not the only important day in December. There’s Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Boxing Day to name a few. I’m not going to say “Merry Christmas” to everyone because what if that person is Jewish? People are NOT trying to “Keep Jesus out of Christmas” like I have seen people complaining about, we’re just trying to involve EVERYONE in these happy wishes.

And those posts about reblogging something to do with you loving God or Jesus and if not you don’t love Him, or you are denying Him, that’s not it either. I’m not going to think any less of someone for not reblogging something like this because it’s ridiculous to me. If you love Him, He knows it.

That also goes for the posts about someone dying from cancer or getting beat up or some dog who got ran over, all of these things are sad yes, but it just bugs me SO MUCH when people put at the end of those posts “REBLOG THIS OR YOU DON’T HAVE A HEART” “IF YOU DON’T REBLOG THIS YOU DON’T CARE” “YOU’D RATHER REBLOG SOME PRETTY PICTURE OF A GIRL THAN THIS, YOU’RE HORRIBLE” Don’t write that crap just to try to make the readers feels bad or guilty about it. Honestly I wouldn’t think twice about reposting those pictures if the DIDN’T have that stuff written on it. And honestly, isn’t i better if someone reposts those because they do honestly care and not because they were guilt into it?

There's a regular at work who's really cute

He drives a truck and has pretty brown eyes. He seems like a pretty sincere guy and always has scruff on his face. I wish I had to guts to actually make more conversation with him besides, "What else would you like on your sandwich?"

But that's not gonna happen because I'm a huge chicken shit when it comes to attractive men.

In other news, I might get another job, YAY for me! Better pay, set hours and benefits.